The breaking point...

Well, I've reached it... my breaking point. With Colin. I'm done, kaput. I quit. I'm going to write him a 'letter' and tell him just that. I just can't do it anymore. No more wondering and waiting. I don't want to see him in the hospital, again. And I know it's right around the corner.. cuz that's what he does.

Guess I should start at the beginning. He'd been dry for 6 weeks. Got a good job, started at the begining of the month. Was doing fine. Then he phoned me and chatted on the phone a week ago. (a week after he started the new job) I said to Dave - "he's drinking again." There is just something in his voice, in the manner he speaks, and what he speaks of, that makes the alarm bells go ding ding ding.

Then he popped into my work 2 days later, and I could smell it on him. The booze. When I said as much to him, he got all affronted and backed away from me, especially when I told him to breathe on me. Helloooo??? Like I can't smell it? Oh, and then there is the problem with 'walking' - this time it's because he has "hemorrhoids". And that's also why he is losing weight, because if he eats, he knows it has to come out. Ya. Seems to me he tried pulling a "leg problem" back in January, that was his excuse why he was dragging his leg. I'm seeing a pattern here, and I'm the patsy.

Two days after his visit at my work, he called on the Saturday night. Just this past Saturday. Wanted to know if he could crash at our place for a few days because his place was so hot. Oh, and he had had a walking seisure type episode at work so they sent him to the hospital. Trying to detox himself again, are we? (I didn't say that to him, but it was in my mind!) Oh, but that was because he had been walking too much and drinking too much water and needed electrolytes. Of course I said okay he could stay here for a few days, what else would I say?

The next day, when he was supposed to show up - he didn't. Gee, go figure. Into the bottle probably pretty deeply by that time, is my guess. It's now 2 days later, and haven't heard a peep out of him.

I'm dealing with my own kind of nightmare right now - in the last two months I've only had ONE night without night sweats. The daytime ones I can handle, this night time crap... and night after night.. is getting to me. Last night, I wrote down the times. Just because..
Went to bed @ 9:20. There was number 1. Always, just before I doze off, wait for it, wait for it... yep, here comes the volcano.
Then at 11:45pm. At 1:30am. Another 2:30am. 3:20am. Another at 3:55. This time, I got up and had a smoke. Back to bed - 4:10am - not even asleep yet!!! And at 6:11am. That's eight, count them, EIGHT freaking times I broke out in the sweat!!

I've been trying to do it the 'natural' way. Haven't had caffeine in 3 weeks. Drinking water and gatorade and herbal teas and soy chocolate milk. And eating soy nuts mixed into my snack mix that I munch on at work. Obviously, it ain't working! Today, after last nights horror show, I made a doctor appointment for Monday. Hopefully there is some kind of magic pill. Ya, right. Don't expect much, but at least he will be aware of it. So if I end up shooting myself, he will know why! Nooooo, I'm not going to shoot myself, but I hope something will straighten out SOON!!

And Colin... I've had it, been there / done that. Since he came back into my life in November of '06... I can't even begin to count the drunk times. The detox times. The moves. The up and downs. The B.S. I want our key to the house back from him. He was going to stay at our place and look after the cats when we go on holidays. I don't trust him to be responsible enough to do that! Just like he was supposed to look after Gracie when it was Paddy's grad, and he drowned himself into the bottle. And I had to scramble to figure out where Gracie could stay while we were away. This time - I'm going to figure it out BEFORE we leave town.

I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. He gets my hopes up, and then dashes them down again. "Oh, here we go AGAIN!" I understand it is an illness, I really do. But he doesn't seem to care about much of anything except his precious bottle of vodka. Even when he is dry, he's ...... can't find the word for it. You just know that the next episode is around the corner. His track record sucks. And I am just too damned tired to give a shit anymore. He's a big boy, figure it out on your own buddy. Or not. I can not be responsible any longer for picking up the pieces. You're on your own bucko! Leave me out of it! No more doctors calling me cuz he's in the psych ward, no more councillors calling me because they need to reach him. What am I? His mother? Oh ya, my brother's keeper.

When I told Dave that I was going to wash my hands of this whole mess, he was trying to get me to see that Colin IS my brother. Ya, but there just comes a time when enough is enough. And this IS the time!

Anyway, enough of me venting.