Deaths...

It was a strange day yesterday....
First we get the news that Farrah Fawcett passed away, which wasn't unexpected. The poor woman suffered greatly with cancer, now she is finally pass the pain. I was at the age that I watched Charlie's Angels all the time.. she was part of my life in a way.

And then the REALLY shocking news came over the news! That Michael Jackson died of a heart attack... at first, I thought it was just rumours flying, but no, he really did die! Yes, I know that he got 'strange' in the last few years, but the man was amazing prior to that! Now this fella.. I DID grow up with him! Here he is, just a wee bit younger than me, with money and doctors, and he dies of a heart attack??

And yes, when he got 'strange', everybody made fun of him, but when he was at the top of his game, holy moly, he was an amazing artist! And that's the Michael I'm going to remember! The one that set the world on fire with his music, his videos, his songs! He WAS the King of Pop and nobody will ever be able to top that! Just really weird to me that he died, that there is no more Michael, that he will never be able to be the person he could have been, to 'redeem' himself to his fans - I'm sure, with all his talent, he could have created even more amazing music! What a shame, what a waste. And then there is his kids... yes, their father was 'off', but he WAS their father, and now.... he's gone. So while most of us mourn his loss in the music industry, I'm sure they are even more stunned and shocked and are feeling a great personal loss of the man they loved, just as any of us do when we lose someone we love dearly.

RIP

The breaking point...

Well, I've reached it... my breaking point. With Colin. I'm done, kaput. I quit. I'm going to write him a 'letter' and tell him just that. I just can't do it anymore. No more wondering and waiting. I don't want to see him in the hospital, again. And I know it's right around the corner.. cuz that's what he does.

Guess I should start at the beginning. He'd been dry for 6 weeks. Got a good job, started at the begining of the month. Was doing fine. Then he phoned me and chatted on the phone a week ago. (a week after he started the new job) I said to Dave - "he's drinking again." There is just something in his voice, in the manner he speaks, and what he speaks of, that makes the alarm bells go ding ding ding.

Then he popped into my work 2 days later, and I could smell it on him. The booze. When I said as much to him, he got all affronted and backed away from me, especially when I told him to breathe on me. Helloooo??? Like I can't smell it? Oh, and then there is the problem with 'walking' - this time it's because he has "hemorrhoids". And that's also why he is losing weight, because if he eats, he knows it has to come out. Ya. Seems to me he tried pulling a "leg problem" back in January, that was his excuse why he was dragging his leg. I'm seeing a pattern here, and I'm the patsy.

Two days after his visit at my work, he called on the Saturday night. Just this past Saturday. Wanted to know if he could crash at our place for a few days because his place was so hot. Oh, and he had had a walking seisure type episode at work so they sent him to the hospital. Trying to detox himself again, are we? (I didn't say that to him, but it was in my mind!) Oh, but that was because he had been walking too much and drinking too much water and needed electrolytes. Of course I said okay he could stay here for a few days, what else would I say?

The next day, when he was supposed to show up - he didn't. Gee, go figure. Into the bottle probably pretty deeply by that time, is my guess. It's now 2 days later, and haven't heard a peep out of him.

I'm dealing with my own kind of nightmare right now - in the last two months I've only had ONE night without night sweats. The daytime ones I can handle, this night time crap... and night after night.. is getting to me. Last night, I wrote down the times. Just because..
Went to bed @ 9:20. There was number 1. Always, just before I doze off, wait for it, wait for it... yep, here comes the volcano.
Then at 11:45pm. At 1:30am. Another 2:30am. 3:20am. Another at 3:55. This time, I got up and had a smoke. Back to bed - 4:10am - not even asleep yet!!! And at 6:11am. That's eight, count them, EIGHT freaking times I broke out in the sweat!!

I've been trying to do it the 'natural' way. Haven't had caffeine in 3 weeks. Drinking water and gatorade and herbal teas and soy chocolate milk. And eating soy nuts mixed into my snack mix that I munch on at work. Obviously, it ain't working! Today, after last nights horror show, I made a doctor appointment for Monday. Hopefully there is some kind of magic pill. Ya, right. Don't expect much, but at least he will be aware of it. So if I end up shooting myself, he will know why! Nooooo, I'm not going to shoot myself, but I hope something will straighten out SOON!!

And Colin... I've had it, been there / done that. Since he came back into my life in November of '06... I can't even begin to count the drunk times. The detox times. The moves. The up and downs. The B.S. I want our key to the house back from him. He was going to stay at our place and look after the cats when we go on holidays. I don't trust him to be responsible enough to do that! Just like he was supposed to look after Gracie when it was Paddy's grad, and he drowned himself into the bottle. And I had to scramble to figure out where Gracie could stay while we were away. This time - I'm going to figure it out BEFORE we leave town.

I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. He gets my hopes up, and then dashes them down again. "Oh, here we go AGAIN!" I understand it is an illness, I really do. But he doesn't seem to care about much of anything except his precious bottle of vodka. Even when he is dry, he's ...... can't find the word for it. You just know that the next episode is around the corner. His track record sucks. And I am just too damned tired to give a shit anymore. He's a big boy, figure it out on your own buddy. Or not. I can not be responsible any longer for picking up the pieces. You're on your own bucko! Leave me out of it! No more doctors calling me cuz he's in the psych ward, no more councillors calling me because they need to reach him. What am I? His mother? Oh ya, my brother's keeper.

When I told Dave that I was going to wash my hands of this whole mess, he was trying to get me to see that Colin IS my brother. Ya, but there just comes a time when enough is enough. And this IS the time!

Anyway, enough of me venting.

Almost a 6 month catch-up...

Yes, it's almost been 6 months since I last wrote here... and I'm thinking I really should write more often! I like writing, I just am finding time tight... never quite enough hours in a day to do all that I want to! It's like I have something hanging over my head, telling me I DON'T have enough time left on this planet to do it all, so I had better cram as much in as I can NOW!! Don't worry, I'm fine, it's just a 'feeling' I have... maybe it has something to do with the MS and the possibility of me not being able to do things in a few years? Or just me being wonky? LOL

Let's see, where do I begin?

Well, survived another tax season. Believe me, that's ALWAYS debatable! I'm learning to pace myself. Every time something comes in for somebody, it does NOT need to be delivered IMMEDIATELY!! No sense running to the back of the office 10 times, when 1 trip will do. And for the most part, I was successful, and people helped out quite a bit. Certainly saved my legs!

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Speaking of saving my legs... for the MS Walk. Which, this year, was the 10th Anniversary of me doing the Walk. Was diagnosed in Nov '98, I did my first walk in '99. I didn't clue into that until a client of ours was talking to me about how long I had been doing it... and OMG, it's been 10 years! Talk about being clueless! LOL I know I missed one, it's such a nasty time of year for me to do it, what with it being tax season and being so bagged! But the ones I have walked, I've always walked the 10k, because I STILL CAN!

Last year I managed to raise $3,050, so this year, I thought to myself, why don't you push it to try and raise $3,500? Well, with 2 weeks to go, I still hadn't hit my goal, and I was thinking "you idiot!". Then with 10 days or so left to go, I reached my goal! Whew, now I could relax, I achieved what I had set out to do. THEN... OMG, I had clients and partners and friends and family donations rolling in, and before I knew it, I was sooooooooo close to $5,000, so close that I set myself ANOTHER goal... to actually hit that $5,000. WHICH I DID!! Total amount raised was $5,080!! HOLY CRAP!! Absolutely unbelievable!!

And because it was such a special feat... this year, I sent out Thank You cards for the first time. Over 80 of them! LOL All handwritten. It just seemed to be the right thing to do! Without ALL those amazing wonderful incredible people helping me out... it just wouldn't have happened! It was the least I could do! (besides actually walking the 10k) Will I try for $5,000 next year? Hmmm... let me think about that.... thinking probably NOT!! If it happens, it happens....

And this year, Gracie came with me and my friend Kathy. I actually walked it with Gracie the weekend before, just so that 1) she could 'see' it for the first time and 2) to time myself. We had been doing lots and lots of prep walks, strengthening up our legs for the big 10k.. believe me, I can't just walk 10k without prepping for it first! At least, not anymore I can't! LOL

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Colin... we moved him at the beginning of January to an apartment that he was going to share with another fella. I could smell the booze on him at that time. And sure enough, just a little over a month later, we moved his stuff out and stored it at our place, cuz he was back in the hospital, drying out. When he got out he stayed with us for a few weeks until we moved him again to another apartment. It's a really cute little place, and he's managed to hang onto it still.

Hasn't hung onto being sober tho... he dried out again at the end of April. Even managed to have a seizure in the van on April 24th as I was dropping off my last dollars for the Walk. Even as I type this, I can see him convulsing, and all I could do is stand at the open passenger window and talk to him and rub his arm or leg and wait for it to end. It hurt me to see him like that, and not be able to do anything to stop it. Except wait it out. I knew there wasn't any sense running to the hospital in a panic, that he would come out of it eventually. That time, he stayed 3 nights at our place until he was feeling up to being on his own again.

Since then, he's been sober. That's 6 weeks. Still has his apartment. And now has a really good job with Swiss Chalet. I have to give him credit.. he does keep trying, just that that monster keeps getting him. I told him in April that if he keeps doing this to himself, he will be dead before his 40th birthday, and then I asked him... "do you want to be cremated or buried?" Seriously. At that time, I was preparing myself for his death. 6 weeks later... well, as they say "Hope spring eternal", and I hope that this IS the time he will get it together. Please, let it be this time... I can't stand the thought of burying my baby brother!

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Aaaahhh... NIGHT SWEATS!!!!!!!! The bane of my existence right now! Started the night sweats about the middle of April. NOT a good time when I really need my sleep! And did I get woken up once thru the night? Oh no, not I!! I sleep for a few hours, wake to the sweat. Sleep for a few more hours, do it all over again. Over and over again, night after night. ~big sigh~ I've had them before, off and on for the last 9 years, but nothing this long, or this many!

Let's see, I've gone off my Pepsi. For the first time in a zillion years I haven't drunk pepsi. So NO caffiene! Drinking my chocolate soy milk, and adding soy beans to my constant trail mix that I snack on all day at work. Drinking tons of water, and sometimes even gatorade. Tried black cohash... didn't seem to do much. Bought 3 wicking t-shirts to sleep in (just got them on Friday - they seem to help) Sleep with the window open and the bedroom ceiling fan running every night. Dave isn't sleeping with me right now... he says he's getting icicles off his nose just being in the bedroom! I've discovered there is a pattern at night... usually about 10 minutes after laying down to go to sleep, the burn begins. Then one wakes me about 1:30 am, another around 3am, and another one at 5am.

And then for the first time ever... I'm getting the daytime chinooks! Whew! My toes will be freezing, but the top part of my torso is on fire! One of the girls at work saw it hit my skin the other day, twice. I guess between my shoulder blades up towards my neck goes a really dark red tone. Well, one thing to be thankful for, at least it isn't my face and the front of my neck!

We bought groceries last Tuesday night, and in the meat cooler department, a chinook hit. Off comes the jacket and there I am, leaning over the cooler. Me, who has always been cold, is now boiling! Kind of ironic, don't ya think? Dave was very helpful... he grabbed a package of sandwich meat and placed it at the back of my neck. Wasn't that swell of him? LOL

I don't really want to do the HRT... I have an aversion to chemicals. Not that I'm a health freak by any stretch of the imagination, just that the side effects... jeez, I feel crappy enough as it is, do I need to add more fun stuff to the diet? I think not! So I'm trying to handle this on my own, for now. I mean, women all over the world have been doing this since the beginning of time, I'm sure it will pass, eventually....

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Lynx... is still Lynx, but he doesn't do the stairs any longer. So we've moved his food dish upstairs and the cat litter box too. Just making it easier on him. And we carry him. Everywhere. We are such good servants! When I come home at lunch time, I pick him up and put him outside for 1/2 hr, so that he can soak up some sunshine. Then I carry him back inside when I go back to work. Dave does the same thing when he gets home. See, good servants, at his beck & call. He doesn't 'walk' across the kitchen floor anymore, he sorta 'skates' across the slippery floor. Actually kind of funny to watch. I know, I know, I shouldn't laugh! Poor old guy! I'm not quite ready to have him go over the Rainbow Bridge just yet. He's not in any pain, just that his lifestyle has changed ALOT! He can't jump up on anything, nor can he jump down (does a face plant, cuz his legs won't hold him up when he lands) I'm dreading leaving him when we go on vacation this summer. ~big sigh~

Brewster... managed to slip out one night last week, and Dave couldn't get the little bugger in the house. He finally gave up about 11:30, but left me a note for the morning. Taped to the toilet paper holder so that I would see it first thing in the morning. That's thinking on his part! LOL So Brewster stayed out ALL night long... ya, fun and games while someone is chasing you, not so much fun when you are out there all by yourself all night. In the dark. And the cold. And the spooky noises. He showed up the 2nd time I checked the back door the next morning - popped his head out from under the deck. It's the first time an overnighter has happened, I'm sure it won't be the last. Boys!

And Gracie... we walk, we hill climb, she swims in the canals or the river... she's my 'inspiration' for keeping me walking. Probably wouldn't do it as much without her. So she keeps my legs moving, even when they feel like water-soaked logs and just getting to the top of the stairs makes them feel like lead. So we're good for each other... I don't get those people that drive their vehicles and run their dogs. If I'm going to 'walk' her, I'm going to WALK her. Do as much as she does (okay, maybe not run circles around me and put on that extra 5km that she does!)

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Dave got me a new camera for my birthday!! OMG, this thing is amazing!! He got me my first digital camera 3 years ago - a Kodak Easyshare, 5 megapixels, 3x optical zoom. Great little camera, took some amazing photos! Sucked at zoom tho! This time around, he gave me a dollar amount, and told me to go find one that 'works' for me, within in the set limit. So I bought a Panasonic FZ28 Lumix. 10 megapixels, 18x optical zoom. Look, I have a Z28!! Okay, so it's not a car, but it does ZOOM!! And both cameras have the rechargeable lithium batteries. What I did is I bought a couple more on ebay, and larger memory cards too! Cuz we are planning a trip up to Yellowknife this summer... and I wanted to make sure I had backup!! I still haven't figured out all the ins and outs of it, but then again, I never did totally with the Kodak one either! LOL Ya, it's larger than my little Kodak, but I've already figured out how to sling it over my back when I'm out walking Gracie. I love it, love it, love it!!

Baby Bush Bunny - taken thru our LR window, across the street!! And then cropped more on the pc, but still... pretty freakin clear!

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Okay, think that's it for now. Or should I say enough for now? Working on the planning of our Feast of Fools, to be held on August 15. I'm painting sheets with 'pictures' with acrylic paint - which the sheets can even be washed, and the paints doesn't! Cool, eh? The dining room table has been covered with one sheet or another for months now. Hey, we don't eat there unless company comes, then I just put it away for a few days, then bring it all out again. 15 minutes here and there, so it's not moving quickly, but I've got a few done so far. I have this idea what I want to do with them... it may, or may not, work out as I have pictured it. We'll see.

That's it!

Must go now!

Later'gator(s)